Wondering
by Mariel Nightstalker
Summary: Sephiroth wonders about something. SLASH Sephiroth/Cloud


A/N: I know it's been a while since I've written and it will continue to be sporadic. I am going through a time of transition as a person and it's hard for me to grab onto anything solid enough to put on paper. Bear with me. I hope you guys enjoy this little nibble.

**Wondering**

He almost lost his humanity; that same humanity whose existence he was unsure of for many years late at night alone in the dark. Even now he felt a quiver go through him as he thought about what he was. To have his worst fears, the fears that he was careful to never articulate completely even in the privacy of his thoughts, confirmed, had almost destroyed him. It didn't matter that he was a genius, possessing more than his fair share of the standardized divisions of intelligence. It didn't matter that the crumbling prestige and respectability of the Shinra Electric Company depended solely on the worship and adoration he inspired in the people. All that mattered was the knowledge that he was a monster.

That ledge of madness his alleged mother dragged him to was the culmination of years of loneliness and rejection. Years of being treated like less than an animal by his fellow human beings, years without privacy and without love. He would have killed them all for the promise of the unconditional love of his cosmic mother.

Even now that he knew she was only a malicious alien bent on draining his home planet of its life force for her goals he longed for that glimpse of acceptance and warmth. It would have been bearable if she had only hypnotized him and spared him the sight of what he could never have.

His sanity had been saved by the pitifully small and weak-looking boy he currently sat watching. Barely sixteen and blonde with birdlike bones, Cloud Strife would have been better off as a girl and certainly wasn't cut out to be a soldier. Still, he had been the one to throw away his self-preservation and charge Sephiroth when he'd nearly killed Zack Fair. Startled by the sudden attack, he'd been knocked down and knocked out. The grasp of the alien Jenova slipped off of his unconscious mind, and the fire started by the damage to the reactor his duel with Fair had caused burnt her before she could re-establish her hold on him.

He couldn't help but smile. It was the kind of story that you heard in the legends of the Wutai people; the untried child defeating and saving the warrior.

Cloud jerked suddenly in his fevered sleep and began to whimper. Without thinking Sephiroth leaned forward and cradled that fair head in his arms, murmuring words of comfort and reassurance until his soft sounds of distress faded away completely and the restless shifting stopped. He stiffened when he realized what he was doing but rejected his self-reproach. Why should he be ashamed to comfort another human? He was determined now that he knew his blood contained traces of the alien to move as far from his monster side as possible.

He looked down at the boy in his arms and then stretched out on the bed so that he could lie comfortably beside him. After some time passed in which he focused on breathing slow and deep, he buried his face in the lumpy hotel pillow and fell asleep.

Cloud woke a few hours before dawn, his fever broken and his throat parched. He found a jug of water by the bed and drank as much of it down as he could stomach. The gritty feeling in the back of his skull persisted and he decided to try and sleep some more; hopefully the next time he woke the aftereffects of the fever would be less. But first he crawled carefully out of the bed and went to the small water closet to relieve himself.

He washed his face and neck at the sink and stopped to look at his reflection. There was a sizeable bruise on his right cheek and a long scratch down his breastbone. He frowned and wondered what happened. Thinking back he remembered being selected by Zack to accompany him and the General to the Nibelheim Reactor because he was a native to the area, and he remembered several encounters with monsters he'd only read about in his textbooks. And finally he remembered checking into the Nibelheim inn and…and nothing.

Frowning now, he leaned against the sink and tried to force himself to remember. There was a fuzzy idea of going into the old mansion, the one he grew up believing to be haunted. And last of all he remembered the choking smoke and overpowering heat of fire. He trembled and went back to bed, curling up under the covers. When had there been a fire? Had anyone been hurt?

The mattress moved beneath him and he started when he realized that he was not alone. He almost fell out of the bed with surprise, but had the presence of mind to grab the small alarm clock. He pushed the button on top to make the screen light up. Using that weak blue light, he tried to see who it was. The battery died before he could get more than a peek. Frustrated and too tired to bother anymore, he decided it didn't matter. They obviously didn't mind sharing a bed with him, so he wasn't going to go all blushing virgin on them. If he made it into the ranks of SOLDIER he would have to get used to sharing a small tent with another man. It was time he stopped being so embarrassed.

As he drifted off, he wondered who had been taking care of him while he was sick.

Sephiroth woke with the dawn. He noticed immediately that something was different. A quick scan of his surroundings showed the case to be that he was holding Cloud's small hand in his own. Had they held hands all night? He felt warm at the thought and wondered why.

But Cloud was stirring now and he hastily drew away his hand. The motion startled Cloud into wakefulness. His eyes, blue as the mountain skies, stared at him hazily without comprehension for a few seconds. Sephiroth admired the color of his eyes instead of coming up with a reason for his presence in the one-man bed.

He could tell the exact moment when Cloud processed their situation. He sprang out of bed and saluted. Sephiroth wanted to smile and, instead of suppressing it like he was used to, he allowed his lips to curve up.

"At ease. Good morning."

"G-Good morning, sir!"

There was a knock on the door. Sephiroth permitted them entry and breathed easier when he saw that it was Zack. Zack looked like he was well on his way to complete healing already. The glowing smile he gave Sephiroth assured him that no grudge was being held for his conduct while enthralled by Jenova yesterday.

"Hey guys! I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but there is some kind of complication with the mountain pass road. We have to leave in less than twenty minutes or stay here for two weeks."

"Get packed," Sephiroth replied, getting out of bed and pulling on his boots. Zack saluted and left for the room across the hall that Sephiroth was meant to have shared with him.

He heard Cloud go into the bathroom and the taps turn on. In a moment of incomprehensible courtesy he packed Cloud's items away in his pack for him before he crossed the hall to retrieve his luggage from Zack's room. Zack greeted him with a wave, a piece of toast dangling from his mouth. Sephiroth nodded to him and swiftly packed away the maps, drafts for reports, and other paraphernalia that came with a mission. Just as he was leaving, Zack spoke,

"Sephiroth, can I ask you a personal question? You don't have to answer if you don't want to."

He saw no harm in this and gave his permission with a nod. Zack licked his lips nervously.

"Do you…is there something going on with you and Cloud?"

Sephiroth raised his eyebrows. He almost said no, but then he remembered the warmth that coursed through him when he looked at that pale hand tucked inside his own. There was a sweetness to Cloud that made him tingle from the moment his eyes landed on him half-hiding behind Zack. He'd ignored it before in his usual habit of dealing with any chance attractions he felt. It was inappropriate for him to be anything but professional or friendly with his men, and he hadn't any intention of crossing that line before. But now, after what had happened with Jenova, he wasn't so sure he should deny himself everything he desired. What was the point of living if he spent his brief years in this body as little more than a machine?

"I don't know. I…I'm drawn to him, but the difference of rank makes it inappropriate and I have no indication that he feels the same way-"

Zack held up his hand, "I wasn't going to say anything, but when I saw you two sharing a bed I decided to step in. Cloud has the hugest crush on you. He pretends its just hero worship but it's definitely more than that. Don't tell him I told you. Go on; go make a move on him, and good luck."

"Do you think it's a good idea?" Sephiroth asked, more out of principle than real feeling. His mind was already made up. If there was any chance of Cloud accepting his feelings, whatever they were, he was willing to take that chance. He only had one life that he would remember and he wasn't going to spend it unhappy.

Zack snorted, "No, but I think it's the right thing to do. For both of you."

Sephiroth resolved to ask him what he meant by that later and left for the room across the hall. They had ten minutes more until they would leave and he wanted to 'make his move' before they left. Cloud was still in the bathroom, the door ajar. Sephiroth took out his toothbrush and entered the cramped room. Cloud started but quickly moved to the side to make room for him. Sephiroth noted with interest that his face was red. Sephiroth pretended to ignore him and began brushing his teeth. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Cloud tentatively go back to combing his hair. Sephiroth moved to stand behind him when Cloud reached for something on the sink counter.

He watched Cloud comb his hair in silence and then bent to wash out his mouth. He waited a few more moments, twitching his fingers through his long hair in search of tangles. He hadn't thought about how to approach Cloud; he only knew that he needed to. After some indecision he decided to go with his instincts.

Cloud was trying very hard not to stare at the sight of Sephiroth smoothing his graceful hands through that fascinating length of metallic hair when suddenly Sephiroth leaned over, put his hand under his chin, and kissed him. He'd never been kissed before and only had what he'd seen in movies to go on, but he gave it his all.

Neither of them heard Zack or the other recruit who accompanied them banging on the door, and consequently they spent two weeks in Nibelheim. Sephiroth wasn't unhappy about that, because it meant that he had two uninterrupted weeks with Cloud without his normal oppressive work schedule. Both were sorry to return to Midgar but found ways to sleep beside each other at least three times a week.

Sephiroth often woke to find their hands together and wondered which of them reached out for the other in their sleep.

~000~

End Wondering

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